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How a single word reveals everything wrong with modern ideas about kindness
We use the word "nice" constantly. Nice person. Nice gesture. Be nice.
But what if the word itself carries a meaning we never intended -- one that exposes a fundamental confusion about what kindness actually is?
The etymology tells a story worth hearing.
What "Nice" Actually Means
According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, "nice" comes from the Latin nescius, meaning "ignorant, unaware" -- literally "not knowing," from ne- (not) + scire (to know). [Source: Etymonline.com]
The word entered Old French around the 12th century as nice, meaning "careless, clumsy, weak, simple, stupid, foolish." [Source: Wiktionary, Anglo-Norman Dictionary]
Dictionary.com confirms: "Nice, it turns out, began as a negative term derived from the Latin nescius, meaning 'unaware, ignorant.' This sense of 'ignorant' was carried over into English when the word was first borrowed (via French) in the early 1300s. And for almost a century, nice was used to characterize a 'stupid, ignorant, or foolish' person." [Source: Dictionary.com]
Only through centuries of semantic drift did "nice" evolve to mean pleasant, agreeable, inoffensive. By the 1800s it had completed its transformation into a compliment.
But the root meaning never disappeared. "Nice" still describes something without substance -- mere agreeableness, pleasantness without purpose, comfort without content.
When we tell someone to "be nice," we are -- etymologically speaking -- telling them to be ignorant. To not know. To avoid the friction of truth.
It is no coincidence that the Vatican adopted Latin and retained it for over a thousand years after ordinary people stopped speaking it -- keeping the scriptures locked in a language people could not understand. The language of ignorance suited an institution that preferred its followers not to know.
What Kindness Actually Means
Now consider the Greek word that the apostolic writers chose when describing genuine kindness.
In Galatians 5:22, Paul lists the fruit of the Spirit. One of these is typically translated "kindness" in English -- the Greek word χρηστότης (chrēstotēs).
The root is χρηστός (chrēstos), and according to Strong's Greek Lexicon, it means: "usefulness, i.e. morally, excellence (in character or demeanor)." [Source: Blue Letter Bible, Strong's G5544]
The Ezra Project notes that the ancient Greeks "initially used chrēstos with the idea of 'useful, good for its intended purpose.' They would use it to describe healthy food, proper offerings to the gods, orderly behavior, or good experiences." [Source: Ezra Project]
Greek was the language Θεός (Theos) chose for the revelation of Ἰησοῦς Χριστός (Iēsous Christos) to the world -- a language of precision and accessibility, meant to be understood by all, not hoarded by a priesthood.
This is functional language. Chrēstotēs asks: does this actually benefit someone? Does it serve their real good? Is it useful for producing something positive in their life?
The contrast could not be sharper:
Chrēstos = useful, beneficial, good for its purpose
Nescius = ignorant, not knowing, foolish
One word describes something that works. The other describes intellectual and moral emptiness.
When we substitute "niceness" for kindness, we substitute ignorance for usefulness. We trade genuine benefit for mere pleasantness.
The Friend Who Wounds
This distinction explains something important about friendship.
Proverbs 27:6 -- "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy."
Read that again. The wounds are faithful. The kisses are deceitful.
The friend who tells you what you do not want to hear? Faithful.
The person who constantly affirms you, validates you, makes you feel comfortable? Potentially an enemy.
A friend offering chrēstotēs -- genuine kindness -- will sometimes create friction. They will say hard things. They will give you what you need rather than what feels good.
A friend offering only "niceness" will avoid all friction. They will tell you what you want to hear. They will kiss you while you walk off a cliff.
Proverbs 27:17 -- "Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
Sharpening involves friction. Heat. The removal of material. It is not a pleasant process for the blade. But without it, the blade becomes dull and useless.
The "nice" friend keeps you dull. The kind friend sharpens you.
The Παιδεία Principle
The apostolic writings use another Greek word that reinforces this point: παιδεία (paideia).
Hebrews 12:11 states:
"πᾶσα δὲ παιδεία πρὸς μὲν τὸ παρὸν οὐ δοκεῖ χαρᾶς εἶναι ἀλλὰ λύπης, ὕστερον δὲ καρπὸν εἰρηνικὸν τοῖς δι᾽ αὐτῆς γεγυμνασμένοις ἀποδίδωσιν δικαιοσύνης."
"All discipline (paideia) seems painful at the moment, not joyful, but grievous. Yet afterward it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."
Paideia means training, instruction, correction. It is the process by which immaturity becomes maturity -- and that process is not comfortable.
The friend who offers paideia is offering chrēstotēs -- true kindness, true benefit.
The friend who only offers "niceness" offers nothing that produces the fruit of righteousness.
The Affirmation Trap
Modern psychology has confirmed what the Greek language already knew.
Research by Carol Dweck at Stanford found that excessive praise -- particularly outcome-based praise like "you are so smart" or "you are so talented" -- creates fragility, not strength. People who receive constant affirmation become afraid to take risks, afraid to fail, afraid to be challenged.
Meanwhile, people who receive honest feedback -- including critical feedback -- develop resilience and genuine competence.
The "nice" friend who tells you everything you do is great is not building you up. They may be slowly weakening you.
The kind friend -- the chrēstos friend -- builds something that lasts.
A Challenge
Consider the relationships in your life.
Who offers you chrēstotēs -- genuine usefulness, even when it creates friction?
Who offers you only "niceness" -- pleasant agreeableness that never challenges, never sharpens, never produces growth?
More importantly: which do you offer to others?
We have been trained to value "niceness" -- to see it as the highest social virtue. But niceness is, at its root, ignorance. It is the refusal to know, the avoidance of truth, the preference for comfort over growth.
True kindness is something harder. It is usefulness. It is benefit. It is giving what someone actually needs, even when that requires faithful wounds rather than pleasant kisses.
Choose the friction.
"Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy." -- Proverbs 27:6
Sources referenced:
- Online Etymology Dictionary (etymonline.com)
- Dictionary.com
- Blue Letter Bible, Strong's Greek Lexicon
- Ezra Project (ezraproject.com)
- Anglo-Norman Dictionary
- Wiktionary
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